Are You In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
Emotionally abusive relationships are a pattern of behaviour by one or more people that slowly destroys the self confidence of the victim. It is a way of controlling, manipulating and dominating the victim.
Victims often feel embarrassed and are reluctant to reveal the true situation they are in to others.
Emotional abuse can happen in a romantic partner relationship, within your family or friend group or even at work.
An emotionally abusive relationship leaves you doubting yourself and even your own sanity. Yet it’s real, and importantly it’s extremely damaging. The impact of emotional abuse leaves invisible wounds that eat away at your self esteem, sense of safety, efficacy and happiness.
Examples of Emotionally Abusive Relationships
I frequently see victims of emotional abuse in my private practice.
No one deliberately chooses to become involved in an emotionally abusive relationship, but it's surprising how easy it is to get hooked into one.
Today, I’ll explore the signs of emotional abuse, the symptoms you might be feeling, and the steps you can take to protect yourself and heal from emotional abuse.
The following story is an amalgamation of several real life experiences that are commonly experienced by victims of emotional abuse by a romantic partner.
It is important to know that any gender can be a victim of emotional abuse, and any gender can be the perpetuator in an emotionally abusive relationship. And of course, emotional abuse also occurs in LGBTQIA2S+ relationships. (the example below is only one example of partner emotional abuse)
Suzanne & Justin
Suzanne met Justin at a professional conference in Vancouver.
"It was like we connected immediately the moment we met” says Suzanne.
“It felt almost magical, the chemistry and the way we just seemed to click.
I couldn’t believe I had finally met a great guy. After dating so many men that were not into serious relationships , didn’t have a job, or were already taken. Justin seemed like a miracle, a fairy tale , the dream come true.”
"I feel weird saying this now. I’m a serious professional career woman but something about him just hooked me “
Yes, they clicked and almost immediately began a serious relationship. He was older and had an air of confidence about him. He was polite, talked about how much he valued relationships, how much he wanted to find the right woman and settle down.
He shared his feelings, seemed to have this amazing mix of vulnerability and charisma.
Suzanne was hooked!
It wasn’t long and they moved in together. It just made sense. He was the first one to say “I love you”.
He was successful, kind, romantic and full of compliments. Suzanne felt like she had finally met her soul mate.
Looking back now Suzanne wonders how he could have changed so much from that person she met and says she feels the initial experience was “love-bombing”.
But back then she just thought he was a great guy who cared about her.
"To be completely honest, she says, there’s a part of me that still longs for those days and wonders how I messed up and if I could get that same feeling back, if only I could do something”
Then everything changed
It started with him distancing, seeming distracted, then harsh criticism. Suzanne put that down to the end of the “honeymoon phase”, something surely all couples go through.
She thought it must be her fault. She tried to be understanding and supportive of Justin, practiced empathy and compromise.
Things would improve for awhile and then explode into something else.
He insisted on knowing where she was at all times and would grill her about who she talked to and where she had been. He wanted to see all the text messages on her phone, and demanded she delete any male contacts.
He expressed dislike for her friends and family. When she insisted on seeing them, he told her to go without him and complained she was “choosing them over him”.
Then there was the time when he organized an elaborate romantic dinner on the same day she was being honoured at an awards dinner to receive an achievement award at a workplace professional ceremony.
He claimed he forgot about it, then he blamed her and shamed her for “not telling him about the event” (not true), “you never communicate with me, you never told me that” and then “well I guess that shows me where I stand – you choosing work once again over our special couple time”
He expressed dislike for her friends and family. When she insisted on seeing them, he told her to go without him and complained she was “choosing them over him”.
Then there was the time when he organized an elaborate romantic dinner on the same day she was being honoured at an awards dinner to receive an achievement award at a workplace professional ceremony.
He claimed he forgot about it, then he blamed her and shamed her for “not telling him about the event” (not true), “you never communicate with me, you never told me that” and then “well I guess that shows me where I stand – you choosing work once again over our special couple time”
Suzanne was hurt, devastated. Is this gaslighting? she wondered.
She knew she had told him, there were the event tickets on the fridge, she had the text messages she had sent to him proudly proclaiming that she was going to be honoured at this event.
She felt angry, hurt, betrayed and confused, and torn. Of course her work was important to her but relationships are the most important thing in our lives , right?
Looking back Suzanne remembers that Justin had minimized her good news text with “haha I bet every employee gets a special prize where you work lol”
When she told him that comment hurt her feelings, he said he was "just joking" and she should stop being so sensitive. But she felt belittled. "He was so different from the kind, caring, supportive Justin I first met and the Justin I thought knew.”
“I just thought it was my fault and kept trying to rescue the relationship – to get it back to where it was in the beginning , to get the magic back.”
But soon it seemed like everything she did was wrong.
Justin was mean spirited, cruel and disrespectful towards Suzanne, on a daily basis. She began to feel insecure, unconfident and tried her best to please him. But any pleasing was short lived.
Her emotions were all over the place. She never knew when he would lash out with a mean comment or explode in a tirade. He criticized the way she looked, the clothes she wore, how she talked. Some days he wouldn't speak to her for hours. She felt anxious and worried. But on other days it seemed like the "old Justin" was back and he was affectionate and kind. Those days gave her hope that things would return to normal.
The story of Suzanne and Justin is an example of emotional abuse in a romantic partnership.
Emotionally abusive relationships can occur in all types of relationships, including with friends, in the family and at work.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
How to Know if You are Experiencing Emotionally Abusive Relationships
1. Disrespect
You are disrespected, criticized and belittled. They make mean comments about your character, the way you look, dress, your intelligence, and abilities.
They may indirectly belittle you by making a point of excessively praising others, but saying nothing about you.
They may criticize your age, your job, your family and your interests.
It usually starts out subtly and easily deniable and smoothly justified.
It gets worse as time goes by and as you accept and tolerate.
This gradually erodes your self-esteem and confidence. Where you were once the receiver of over-the-top compliments from them, you now seem to have developed serious flaws.
Example: "Some days I wonder if you weren’t really born in a barn – you are so unsophisticated."
Example: “John is so hot and he makes so much money too. Much more than you make, that's for sure! Must be nice to be married to someone like him!”
Example: “I can’t believe they actually let you graduate from Engineering school! You are an idiot"
Example: “I don’t’ want my friends to know that we hang out together. It would be too embarrassing. Let’s just keep it a secret.”
If you object or try to set a boundary they may claim it was “just a joke” and you ae “being too sensitive” or complain how they need to be so careful around you.
On the other hand, you may excuse their behaviour telling yourself that they had too much to drink or they are under a lot of stress or they are just not themselves lately.
Sometimes verbal abuse can also lead to physical abuse, but not always.
However, a physically abusive relationship almost always starts out with verbal abuse.
2. Isolation
Emotional abusers often isolate their victims. They gradually separate their victims from their social support such as family, friends, coworkers and others.
Example: "Your friends are from your past life - your life is with me now - you should stay at home "
Example: They repeatedly arrive home late and are unable to look after the children when you have an important evening work event or social gathering to go to. After missing many times, you are eventually no longer invited.
They may exclude the victim from important information or communication.
Example: At work – being repeatedly left off relevant workplace communication or excluded from projects or meetings.
3. Walking on Eggshells
You find yourself hypervigilant - always trying to sense or predict their moods, and not knowing what will set them off next. You find yourself grateful for their times of contentment but always with a feeling of waiting for "the other shoe to drop".
You may alter the content of your conversations, not bringing up troubles or negative things which could upset or enrage them, and also not bringing up positive events as that may lead to resentment or jealousy on their part.
You feel anxious almost constantly.
4. Controlling
Controlling where you go , who you see and how long you are gone for is common in emotionally abusive relationships. This can happen very directly or it may be more subtle.
Demanding to see your cellphone messages, placing a tracker on your car, or requiring you to "check-in" on an hourly basis because they "worry about you" are all examples of overly controlling behaviour in a romantic relationship.
At work, micromanaging can be an example of overly controlling behaviour, can be typical of emotionally abusive relationships at work, especially when coupled with harsh criticism, set-ups for failure, public reprimands or humiliation.
5. Jealousy
A little bit of jealousy can be flattering. But jealousy combined with increasing control is dangerous.
Telling you what you can or cannot wear, forbidding you to have conversations with others, accusing you of infidelity all can be examples of toxicity within a romantic relationship. This is a red flag for emotionally abusive relationships.
6. Passive Aggressive
Emotionally abusive relationships are often characterized by passive aggressive manipulations such as the silent treatment, withdrawing affection , sullenness, pouting, ignoring and emotional distance – used as punishment.
Publicly or privately, using shame to control and demean you, and playing it off as a joke if challenged.
Example: Making fun of your vulnerabilities, fears or insecurities in front of others.
7. Blaming the Victim
You get blamed for their abusive behaviour.
Example: "If you didn’t make me so angry, I wouldn’t have to yell at you."
8. You feel anxious, sad, helpless, frustrated, hopeless, insecure
Your emotions can be a sign that something is wrong. When you feel this way it is important to check what's happening, to talk with a trusted friend, confidante, family member or a counsellor. Get another perspective on what is happening.
How Does An Emotionally Abusive Relationship Happen?
Who Would Put Up With This Kind of Behaviour? (you might ask yourself)
Not me, of course – you say to yourself.
Until it happens to you.
Often you are a kind hearted person, one who gives others the benefit of the doubt.
You may feel you are fortunate to have been given so many advantages in life and can feel sympathy for those who didn’t and for those who are wounded. You are determined to give them the unconditional love that they missed early in life.
You may tolerate the outbursts because you feel sorry for the previous trauma they have experienced. No wonder they have to lash out at others you tell yourself - they had such a hard childhood.
You want to help and be loyal. You might feel you are someone who can understand and help them heal. You feel you are strong enough to sacrifice your own hurt feelings for a better long term outcome. You convince yourself that they will blossom if you are loyal to them and will see that, unlike others, you won’t give up on them.
But it's never enough.
You keep chasing that original feeling of magic in the beginning of the relationship. You believe in love and in doing whatever you can to repair a relationship.
You start to think that you must have done something terrible to deserve treatment like this (you haven’t - this is about them and not about you)
But also, this whole scenario may somehow feel familiar. You may have grown up in a family where you or a parent were criticized, belittled, traumatized and felt like you were not good enough.
